A look back

So.. it's been about three years since I, well, tried to start this blog. I think it's safe to say, that mission failed.. I originally wanted to start it with my recent recovery in mind. I'm a rape survivor - not victim - of 10 years as of this August and after I - finally - went to therapy in 2010 and faced some pretty harsh demons, I wanted to create a space for doing just that.

I think it's the most important thing for rape survivors - again, not victims - to acknowledge and realise that they are not alone. For me, it took 6 years before I was anywhere near ready to talk about it at a realistic and possible level. Previously, I had told a lot of people while either being drunk or just casually blurted it out to anyone I would remotely call a friend. I guess something inside me knew that I had to talk to someone, I just didn't know who or how.

Whenever I told someone, I could see their bodies stiffen, and their eyes became big and doubtful.

My family was indeed off-limits. Actually, I blurted it out to my sister after a very short while, at a party she held. I was very drunk and my sisters much older friends thought it very funny to grab me. At one time, I don't recall or know who it was, slid his hand down my shirt and grabbed my breast. And that's when I clicked. I started shouting, crying and spun right out of control. This led to my sister leading me to where I was going to sleep, and I told her everything. Before I fell asleep, I made her promise not to tell anyone.

You can say my sister could have gone to my parents with this knowledge, or tried to force me to tell them myself. But I believe she didn't want to make me feel like she stabbed me in the back, and I was in no condition or near ready to talk about it. So had she done anything like that, I'm sure it would have had great consequences for our relationship and for my process of mourning as well as developement. I do however regret putting her in that situation, 'cause I know she's been very shookup about it and she's had a lot of doubts as to how she was supposed to handle it.

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I wrote the above in 2013, but never finished the update - so here is the part I got down. A bit of how I initially dealt with the sexual assault I went through. This was 6 years ago and much has happened in my life since then. I've been in group therapy with other rape survivors, which helped me a lot. The therapy I undertook was a long time after the rape itself happened. I'm guessing from me referring to "my recent recovery", that the above was written a while after my treatment had concluded.

Currently I'm in a relationship of 7 years and running. I have family, friends and coworkers who care. I bought a house with my boyfriend. I have a job, which, as stressful and terrible as it is, is also a big part of my identity. I rarely think about the rape anymore, however much a part of me it still is. All grown up.

The problems keep following me, though. Or maybe it's me who subconsciously seek them. I'm currently dealing with severe depression, but I find it hard to put my feelings and thoughts into words. And right now, frankly everything feels upside down and surreal.

Don't let it get you down though.
I know I'm not alone, I know I'm loved. And I do love those around me.

x